i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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