you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
