??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
