you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
