drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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