Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
