You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
