Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
