my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
