you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
