I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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