More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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