highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
