Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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