I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
