I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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