my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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