Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize