Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
it's great music for shaving your balls
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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