You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
