a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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