dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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