Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
