You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
