apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
