well you can't waste a boner
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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