question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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