He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
