explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
