I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It's blow job season.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
