She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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