Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
false alarm, still single
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