The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
we're so committed to being not committed
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize