Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize