WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
