I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
