just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
