I wish my penis had an off switch
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just blew my weed a kiss
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
