Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
