Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
did i just pee glitter
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
