Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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