You really coming over, don't trick.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Boobs are out for the taking
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
