Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
