Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
