I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
