I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Four minutes until I can fart!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
