Hey man sorry I got all grabby
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
