i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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