ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
