I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We are two peas in an std pod
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
