i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
