If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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