im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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