my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
