I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
