how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
