Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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