Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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